


Breathe

by AdorabloodthirstyKitty



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Child Abandonment, Depression, Humanstuck, Loneliness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 19:52:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1755635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdorabloodthirstyKitty/pseuds/AdorabloodthirstyKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're alone again, and as you try to suck air into your lungs between sobs you wonder if this is how you'll die, locked in your room, unable to breathe, and completely fucking alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drowning

You look over all of the pictures of Feferi's latest party, smiling a little when you catch a glimpse of a familiar face. Terezi grinning deviously. Karkat scowling to hide the fact he's happy. Tavros giving a shy smile whenever he notices the camera. After a while you feel a warm tear run down your face, and you scrub furiously, knowing your paint will smear but not caring so much with the sudden loneliness making you uneasy.

Your name is Gamzee Makara and you don't know if the people you love even remember you anymore.

You remember graduation clearly, sitting a row in front of Tavros, turning around and grinning at him excitedly in your cap and gown, thinking your life was just beginning, that you'd spend the rest of your life with your chidhood friends and everything would be peaches and gravy, all Faygo and smiles. You were so motherfuckin wrong.

After graduation you went to art school. You got an apartment, got a couple jobs. You were doing good. But slowly your friends got busier, getting more hours at their jobs, more homework at school, and they couldn't visit as much. At first you thought it was fine, they'd come when they had the time. Sometimes you still trick yourself into believing it. But now, as you sit alone in your empty apartment, seeing most of the gang together, you can't help but feel unwanted. Unnecessary. Forgotten.

Memories of your childhood come crashing back suddenly, memories of being left alone at home with no one but the occasional babysitter or nanny, the maids that cleaned around the house. You remember one of your earliest memories, waking up from a nightmare and going to sleep in your dad's room with him only to find an empty bed. You slept there anyway, hugging his pillow tight as you waited for him to come back and tell you it was alright but he never did.

Tears stream down your face as you realize your friends are forgetting about you. They're happy without you. They don't need you the way you need them. You always loved your friends, every one of them, and valued their opinions and approval more than anything. But they don't need you like you need them. They're fine without you, and while it's good to know they're alright it hurts you deeply, because you need them so fucking much. You need them to make sure you're alright, that you're not messing something up or doing something wrong because they've always told you what to do. They've helped you so much, and you always tried to help them but they never seemed to listen to your advice, never took you too seriously. Everyone except Tavros.

Tavros had always taken your advice to heart, and he was most definitely one of your closest friends. You loved him more than anyone else in this whole world, but you honestly don't know if he feels the same about you. The last time you tried to say something he'd started talking about his weird complicated thing with Vriska so you never really got to tell him how you felt. You always regretted not sitting him down and telling him how much you liked him.

After a while you realize that you're crying really hard, the stream of tears is a downright flood, and you keep wiping snot and shit off your face but it just keeps coming back. You try to calm down, to get your breathing normal but it only seems to make shit worse, your throat sore and your lungs screaming for air as if you're drowning. Somewhere in the back of your mind the voice of reason speaks up, saying you're having a panic attack. The thought just makes you panic more, and as you try to gasp for air a thought comes to you. You're alone again, and as you try to suck air into your lungs between sobs you wonder if this is how you'll die, locked in your room, unable to breathe, and completely fucking alone. 

After a while you start feeling dizzy, still gasping for air as your vision starts getting hazy and you pass out.

You hear a familiar voice later, pulling you out of unconsciousness. Kurloz's worried face comes very close, and you grimace when he lifts one of your eyelids, pushes at a spot on the side of your neck to check your pulse. He leaves but quickly comes back with a cool wet washcloth, draping it over your forehead before shutting the door. He comes back to kneel on the ground, looking to you worriedly and muttering quietly. "What happened, little clown? Thought you were gone to the great big gig in the motherfucking sky, you scared the shit outta me," he says quietly, his voice soft and making you feel calm and sleepy. "Had an attack. Couldn't breathe," you choke out, throat still sore. The light pressure on the washcloth where he holds it disappears, making you whine pathetically. You don't want to be left alone. He quickly comes back, tapping your shoulder lightly so you'll open your eyes, handing you a cup of water. You down it and lay back while he fusses over you, letting him baby you even though you usually can't stand it. Right now you want all the attention you can get, and don't care too much where it comes from.

After a while he takes the washcloth away, running long fingers through your messy curls, speaking up a few minutes later. "What made it start? Anything in motherfuckin particular?" You lick your dry lips, opening your eyes again. "Just lonely. I miss Karkat and Tavros, I miss everybody," you mutter, the answer seeming babyish and insignificant in your own ears. You feel embarrassed for freaking out like that over something like that. He seems to read your mind, just like he always has, and shooshes you, leaning down to kiss your forehead. "Brother of mine, there ain't no 'just' to somethin that makes you so worked up. I know how much you love them ninjas, you ain't gotta be feelin embarrassed. Ain't nothin to be embarrassed about," he stated, setting a hand on your cheek and smiling down on you like the motherfuckin pope, all loving and affection. "What say you and I drive over to visit them motherfuckers? Bet they'd be dyin to see their favorite clown," he grinned, his smile growing when your own face lit up excitedly. "Really? Right now?" you ask, trying and failing not to get your hopes up. "Right motherfuckin now," he replies with a nod, and you can't help but hop up, hugging him tight. He hugs you back, heading to the living room. He calls back and tells you to pack for a few days and you grin even bigger, getting your backpack and tossing clothes and shit in quickly, practically running for the door.

The house is locked and you hop in the car, Kurloz driving you in his van. He plugs in his mp3 and you both turn to each other with grins when spooky psychobilly music starts up nice and loud before he pulls out of the parking lot and starts driving for the freeway, the both of you singing along to his playlist with huge grins.


	2. Fear and Loathing

You slide your sunglasses on to block some of the harshness of the desert sun. You'll be driving four hours at least, but it will be so motherfuckin worth it when you finally get to see everybody again. You don't post any news of the trip anywhere to keep it a surprise, hoping now that summer break's started you'll have time to chill with your favorite motherfuckers. You stare out the window, watching cars pass by as you drive out of the valley and past the tall mountains and deep valleys of the Cahone pass out into the desert, Iron Maiden blasting through the speakers as you grin, headbang, and sing along happily. You haven't been this excited for something in a while, you definitely should have taken this trip sooner.

A couple hours later you pull over in Barstow to grab some food, driving around before spotting an In-n Out, grinning eagerly as you head inside to stretch your legs a little and get out of the car for a while. Kur orders two double doubles, animal fries and shakes and then comes back over to sit with you, studying you for a little bit. "You didn't all get your face off," he signs, and you frown a bit. "Does it look bad?" you ask, suddenly self conscious. You usually don't really give a shit what you look like, but if you're gonna be seeing Tavros Nitram and Karkat Vantas you want to look good, let em know you're alright even if that's not totally true. You want them to be proud of you more than anything, so showing up with smudges of clown paint and B.O. probably won't be the best way to be gettin your reunion on. Kurloz signs that you should wash your face, that you'll get a hotel room when you get there but for now to get the last of the paint off your face. You nod, saying you'll be right back as you head into a small corridor near the front door and into the boy's room to wash up. You scrub with soap and water and those harsh brown paper towels that remind you of the ones they had in your high school, looking over your reflection to make sure you got every drop of paint off before rinsing and drying your face, tossing the wad of paper towels into the trash bin and heading back to your table to find Kurloz eating, your food already on the table. You both devour everything, tossing your trash and putting your sunglasses back on as you head outside and hop back in the van, getting back on the freeway.

You start getting a little nervous when you get closer to the state line, driving through a tiny town on the outskirts of the state and over the bridge into Arizona. You're getting closer, and you just hope that everything goes well, that they still like you, and maybe even miss you. Pretty soon Kurloz pulls up to a hotel in Tuscon, checking you both into a large room with separate queen sized beds and a nice view of the pool. You say something about taking a shower and heading out, and he nods, telling you to be careful and tell him how it goes, and to call if you need anything. You nod, grabbing clean clothes and your toiletries before heading into the bathroom for a shower. Normally you only take a few minutes, but now you scrub every inch of your skin, making sure you smell fresh as a motherfuckin daisy before turning the water off a half hour later, grabbing a towel and drying off. You pull on your clothes, a button up and black skinny jeans, hoping you look good as you slip on your bracelets and rings before looking yourself over in the mirror. You look damn good, like a motherfuckin adult who's got his shit together. You pull on a pair of black socks and dress shoes, feeling like you're getting ready for a job interview and not a reunion with your bros. You lick at your lips nervously, spinning a ring around your finger to distract yourself from the butterflies making your stomach a little queasy. You finally head out of the bathroom, Kur giving a low whistle in approval. You grin, striking a pose and he puts a hand to his chest, falling back dramatically onto the bed as he pretends to swoon and you grin even bigger, feeling a little better. You make sure you have your wallet, ID, room key, and phone before looking to Kur, saying you'll call whenever you come back. He tells you to take the van and you thank him, grabbing the keys and giving him one last look. He grins reassuringly and you smile back before going out, closing the door behind you, and heading down to the parking lot to hop in the van and drive to the University of Arizona to see two of your bestest of bros, Karkat Vantas and Tavros motherfuckin Nitram.


End file.
